This is where it's at...

Accepting Me.

This week I had the opportunity to spend an entire weekend with my friends in a cabin at Bear Lake. I don't know if I've glorified Bear Lake in any way but you know it's pretty amazing when you go with your friends. In those moments with my friends I forget all of my insecurities. I forget that I think that I'm chubby. I forget that those things at home still bug me. I become wholesomely happily me. The thing is I haven't completely learned how to achieve that contentment all the time. A lot of the time I feel lost and a bit lonely. My thoughts are harassed with my list of imperfections/woes I do not have control over. But, when I'm with my friends I'm another person. I'm confident, funny, nice, sarcastic, intelligent...and so many other things. I feel ALIVE. I feel...loved. I feel accepted. I think that's something very important to me. To be accepted by others because honestly, sometimes I have a hard time accepting myself. I can love myself. I can do that...but accepting myself is a completely different thing. 

It seems in my particular moments where I exhibit my lowest self esteem is when I'm alone. With myself. That sounds funny but, there isn't anyone in the world you will spend as much time with as yourself. And in those moments my brain decides to replay a gag reel of my terribly most embarrassing moments. The times I made bad decisions. And, I just submit myself to it.

I realize that if I can only accept myself like others accept me I'll be happier. I obviously don't care if someone is chubby or sad or lonely or anything. I do not judge them based on that. Why should I judge myself based on that. I know there are many things I could improve on but...why should I feed my insecurties if they just suck the life out of me? A young girl's brain can be a hard place to navigate. I really do get lost in my own head. Which is somewhat ridiculous. I find that in my moments of my worst weakness I think of someone else who I think is better than I am, prettier, skinnier, richer, more fashionable and I compare until the cows come home. I realize that I will never be that girl. She has her own circumstances and I have mine. The difference is, in that moment I have defined myself by my circumstance. I have defined myself by that extra 10 pounds. By that zit on my face. By my lack of everything. Where does that lead? Nowhere.

"Compare where you are and where you wanna be and you'll get nowhere."- Sara Barrellies

There are so many other things I could possibly do other than beat myself up. I am loved beyond belief by a lot of people. I have a beautiful life. That I take for granted sometimes. But rather than beat myself up about the pitfalls I could see my opportunities to improve. The past isn't for improvements, it's already happened. The present is where your action takes place to shape your future. Improve the present, improve the future. I can magnify my calling. I could beat myself up all day trying to be like "her" or I could treat myself how he would treat me.

I know that there is a greater plan and purpose to life. I know that the lord is with me, matching my strides. He carries me when I am weak and he lifts me when I fall. I cannot be a vessel for negative things because evil to yourself never will be happiness. Accept myself, love the Lord, walk forward with faith and bright eyes darling. Accepting me has never been so easy with him by my side.

-Stacie D. 

I worry...

I'd like to go with the flow and not worry. Be the kind of person the current carries. I'm not though. Lately I feel like a rock. A few minutes ago I was eating charcoal bread on my bed. I was just staring at the light streaming in through my windows change colors. I was completely consumed with worry over something I don't have to worry for for a long time. There I was trapped in the undecided future and still sopping wet from the not too long ago past.

I seemed to have contentment in my pocket only a few months ago. It seemed everything was going my way. I had my best friends and I was happy. I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get it. Then suddenly, poof, my life was catapulted into a whole lot of crazy. I learned a few things that were good to learn, although I'd rather forget them. I've grown closer to a whole lot of people and in a way I'm better for all of that.

Then again I worry, I worry that I won't be as close with my friend who has just left. I worry that my new found friends at this point in the summer will leave come fall. I worry that the person whom I admire at this point won't admire me ever. I worry.

Yeah, I'm Stacie D. and I worry. All the time. Constantly. I guess that has a little to do with my growing up. Let's just say I was a very serious child. I think that today it's what I do. It's almost a horrible talent of mine. If you don't worry about it Stacie will. And you know what I know? I don't have to worry. You don't have to worry so hard. Because someone will always be waiting to hear your worries. No matter how silly, trivial, awkward, sad, funny, etc...Heavenly Father cares when I worry. He stills my worried soul and make things easier for me to manage. Not always right away, but he does. I know he waited up last night for me. After reading my scriptures after brushing my teeth, after all the random cell phone checks. He waited up to hear my worries.

And you know what? He understands. He knows me. He knows me better than I know myself. And he listens. And quietly he teaches me. When I pray I feel that stillness he is listening. Hearing. That comforts me enough to go to bed. The person who knows everything about everything and eternity listens to me.

Don't worry kids.
Pray.
Worried hearts get tired....so pray...feverently...intently...lovingly.

You Sure Are Neat!

Stacie D.